After Disillusionment
J. Marshall Jenkins
Hagar said, “Have I really seen God and remained alive
after seeing him?” (Genesis 16:13b).
Life mercifully disillusions you in increments:
Mother forgets to hug or hear.
Playmates shame or exclude just to see you cry.
Grades seem rigged against you.
A trusted institution categorizes you
by demographic and number.
A partner who knows you naked, soul and body,
looks at you, sees a monster who preceded you,
and never sees you again.
The company you served for decades,
loyal as to family, elbows you to the door.
Your neighbors vote out democracy.
At any point, you may protect yourself
by declaring atheism.
You may look forward to
the empty space and tears that remain
after you peeled the onion of hope completely,
none left. You may then spare yourself
disappointments and liabilities.
Or you may find hope in every disillusionment.
You may humbly accept that colorful masks
will always distract you from the true face
until all masks fall to the ground.
Listen to your Egyptian sister, Hagar, the slave wife of Abram,
driven out by Sarai to die,
only to be found by One who gave her a promise
after all hope seemed lost.
She named this One, El-roi, “God who sees,”
who promised a son, Ishmael,
meaning, “God who listens.”
In thin space she shed tears too, but of joy.
Perhaps all the disillusioning clears the glass
to see the face you think you remember
or dreamed smiling at you.
Perhaps all the disillusioning quiets the noise
to let your prayer come clear
and to hear the promise you always counted on.
Certainly the truth will set you free after all.
Related Posts
Encouraging Paradoxes of the Dark Night
My Friendly Quarrel with Buddhism
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the pure in heart, for the will see God (Matthew 5:4, 8).
Image: François-Joseph Navez, “Hagar in the Wilderness” (1819), Public Domain,
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